Hello lovelies,
It just occurred to me that one, I have a blog that hasn't been written on in an age and two it was around this time six years ago that I first received the all powerful diagnosis. I was 16 at the time. I sat in this little room in a nice comfy swivelly chair. My psychiatrist gave me the news. She didn't stop there though...
So, we're going to give you some of this drug and a little of that one. We're not entirely sure how they work. You'll be fine though, there is only a minute possibility they can result in your sudden and irreversible death. Oh, by the way, don't worry if they make you really drowsy and hate your life even more, that is a common side effect. We have our best and brightest garden gnomes working on it. There's your cards, go and play with them. Take this crate of medication to ensure your stability and have fun. Also, for telling you this and signing a bit of paper which affirms your insanity, that will be $1376. Cheque, savings or credit?
Fair to say, I didn't like shrinks much back then. Six years on, despite finding one that contains more human and less drug dispensing monkey; my opinion hasn't changed much.
Anyway, back to the past. I was 16. I was told that I have this thing, this mental thing, that makes your head go up and down. You can be pretending to be Jesus one minute and treating each supper like your last the next. The four or so manic episodes I had experienced, two of which had required hospitalisation were suddenly explained in but one word. Bipolar.
Names have power. Knowing what I was up against made it easier to deal. Knowing that there were other people with the same thing as me walking (sometimes floating) around the earth somehow provided comfort.
When I was in hospital after receiving the diagnosis, a lovely mental health nurse paid me a visit one afternoon. She handed over an armful of books. I have Bipolar too! These really helped me get my head around it. So I read. For six months, I read whatever I could get my claws on about all things two poled. From autobiographies to haiku poems. I read everything. Twice. Suddenly, this giant thing that sounded mean and scary was just another thing. I was going to beat it.
Sadly, it is not that easy. Knowing what something is and knowing how to 'beat' it are two different kettles of clown fish. It has been a long six years. I have learnt a lot. There is still more to learn. Late last year I had my first fairly serious mania in an age. I managed to get out of it without a trip to hospital, only just. Each severe mood state, be it high or low, left or right is a lesson in resilience. I have quite a bit of it by now. I was 16 then, I am 22 now. I like to think I am much better at managing myself now than I was then. You can't put a young head on old shoulders and perhaps I am foolish trying to think that far back.
I don't see nor have I ever really seen bipolar as a negative. I enjoy the fact that for 50% of the year my brain outputs at 200%. I like the way I am able to relate to and empathise with all manner of people. If only I could just destroy winter and that little bit at the start of spring. Maybe a few other patches in between, life wouldn't be so bad.
I went and saw my GP the other day. I sat in the waiting room for 34 minutes. I went into the consultation room with him. He asked me how I was doing, gave me two scripts and a blood test form. I went to reply to his question and found myself already at the receptionists counter paying $70. If I were to charge him for my 34 minutes at the rate I was charged, he would owe me $1190. I have learnt a lot in six years. My advice, if you like money don't get diagnosed with a mental illness.
Stay Awesome!
